


Castles in the air

by Ellstra



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Hallucifer, Lucifer's Cage, M/M, Made For Each Other, Michael Being A Dick, Samifer - Freeform, Season/Series 06, Songfic, Soul-Searching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-21
Updated: 2014-08-21
Packaged: 2018-02-14 04:22:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2177700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellstra/pseuds/Ellstra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After some tiring weeks in the cage, Sam eventually gives up and allows Lucifer to show him what love feels like. And they are happy; after dealing with some problems, they become as happy as they could be given the circumstances. Star-crossed lovers as they are though, Dean can't let go of Sam's soul and drags his brother out of the pit - away from love, away from Lucifer, away from hapiness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Castles in the air

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to one of my favourite songs that until now had a pretty weird meaning-nothing lyrics. But now, I heard it while having strong Samifer feelings and I lost it at the line: "How are you doing in the cage for innocents?" And well, this fic happened.   
> I don't have much to say. Hope you'll like it.

_Don’t try,_

Sam is no longer sure of what he is. Maybe he is dead and this is his afterlife; he would be stuck there for the rest of eternity. Maybe he is alive and this is his life; and he would be stuck there for the rest of eternity. And maybe, he is asleep or unconscious and this is either a dream or a hallucination; and he may not be stuck there for the rest of eternity. He doesn’t really know and slowly he is losing the ability to care. What is up and what is down, what is good and what is bad, it doesn’t matter anymore because he would not be allowed to have time on his own. Everything is clouded, shielded and blurry in comparison to Lucifer. Lucifer is there all the time, present or not, he always lingers in Sam’s consciousness; talking or not, Sam keeps hearing his voice and he is so tired of pretending he hates Lucifer, he is so tired of doing the right thing. Because what did the good and right things bring him? Nothing. Absolutely nothing but pain and suffering. Sending Lucifer away is more and more difficult and the reason for it seems to be more and more ridiculous every second, every blink of an eye, every breath. If he is going to spend eternity with Lucifer, why does he cling onto his past life? The life that let him down, disappointed him and hurt him; the life that had denied him the only thing he had ever wanted – being accepted as normal. Why does he care of what that society would think of him when he can open up to the only person who ever treated him with understanding, with acceptance, rather than just blind love and protection. The person who respected all Sam’s being, the whole person he was, and loved him all the same?

**You know yourself,**

Lucifer is not tired of waiting for Sam to make up his mind. One would say he would be; after waiting so long and putting so much effort into it, he would expect some outcome, some gain. But Lucifer is not impatient; he has waited for centuries, alone and lonely and he already has more than he ever hoped for. Just having Sam around, just knowing Sam exists, fills him with feeling he does not remember experiencing. He was incomplete for longer than he can even recall and now, now he not only has somebody to fill the hole, he has the person close. Finally. Sam is so close it is almost painful not to claim him but Lucifer respects that Sam has to find out on his own that they’re each other’s other half. Lucifer after all had ages to examine the hole while Sam is so young; so young and fleeting and fugitive and so perfect. Lucifer knows Sam will realise that all the fight is pointless and when he does, everything will be almost as perfect as it used to be back then when Lucifer was still an angel. But Sam has to find out on his own.

_Tell me, what’s different?_

Sam wants to believe Lucifer; he craves having something to believe again because his view of world is slowly crumbling and falling into pieces. Because if angels – creatures he had believed to be good – were lying, selfish assholes was the devil really such a bad eventuality? But he needs a proof, at least a little one. After being burnt badly before, he needs to feel safe, he needs to feel he is not going to screw everything up like he did so many times before. Admitting his whole life had been a lie is a huge step and he needs some sign that he is doing something he would not regret. He feels that if one single person betrays him again, he is going to break, to shatter, to diminish and he is frightened. He trusted before, he loved and cared and it only got him to heartbreak and pain. Everybody let him down and he doesn’t think he can take any more pain.

**How are you doing, in the cage for innocents?**

Lucifer can see Sam is slowly seeing his truth. He doesn’t push it, he doesn’t even dare to mention it, but when he looks at Sam, he sees understanding, he sees agreement and hope. He knows how desperately Sam wants to have somebody to rely on, something to hold dear without fear of it being broken or taken away. He wishes he could show his soulmate that he has all Sam asks for and even more; he yearns to be able to explain himself but neither words, nor actions seem to suffice. There’s so much he wants Sam to know, see, feel but he doesn’t know any way of showing it. He hopes that one day, he would be able to show Sam that it doesn’t matter their life is so small because they have each other and that is better than anything else God could ever create. Lucifer believes his Father finally heard his prayers, finally felt sorry for his second son he had cast away so long ago and felt remorse enough to give Lucifer what he had been asking for. Ever since he was born, Lucifer remembers respect for God, holding him most dear and loving him more than anything. When he was told to love humans more, to care about the imperfect beings, he refused to, saying that nobody and nothing could ever compete with God. But then Sam was born and his soul shone brighter than any other Lucifer had ever seen. It was human but so beautiful and so interesting Lucifer assumed his Father created this human solely for him.

**_Long nights,_ **

Sam is so exhausted and done with everything. If Lucifer is bad, if the world will end if he succumbs, if loving the devil is wrong, he is unable to see it. And he is far behind attempting to care. In the moment all he knows is that Lucifer is right. He has always been honest with Sam; the only person to ever do so. Sam knows he probably shouldn’t be mad at Dean because he lied a lot to his brother too but it’s so difficult when he can look at Lucifer, at the pure, shining but damaged soul. When he can see truth, sincerity and openness. When he can feel that when he is told everything is fine, he doesn’t have to worry. He is so tired of having to be careful all the time, of responsibility. Lucifer offers simplicity and asks for nothing more but love in return. And Sam is far too broken to judge; there simply are too many bad things he did, too many lives he ruined and too many negative feelings he left behind himself for him to see a bad person in somebody else. In his eyes, there’s nobody worse than Sam Winchester and that includes the devil.

Lucifer does his best to ignore his brother but it’s not always easy. From time to time, he can see two other souls lingering in shadows, unimportant compared to the greatness of Sam but still present. The vessel, the human boy is too fragile and insignificant Lucifer barely notices him. When he does, he feels sorry for him and mad at Dean Winchester for letting it happen. Lucifer knows he is not giving Dean all the credit he deserves for being an older brother but it is so much easier to pretend all older brothers are careless and cruel, passive soldiers and pawns of their fathers. Even after all the centuries it is difficult for Lucifer to think about Michael without remorse, pain and anger but the comparison to Dean Winchester is a whole new level of turmoil. Dean chose to stay by his brother’s side, to fight for Sam when Michael didn’t give Lucifer a second thought before banishing him. The mere sight of Michael is unwelcome, bitter and fills Lucifer with feelings he buried deep within himself. He doesn’t want to form any relationship with Michael again, he wishes to have nothing in common with the being he used to be closest with and he questions why he – or Sam, he doesn’t really remember who was at charge in that moment – pulled Michael into the cage. Because he is sure he doesn’t want his brother to stare judgingly at him and Sam.

**_Are full of desire,_ **

Sam gives in. The moment he does, Lucifer smothers him with emotions and feelings so strong and overwhelming he doubts he could ever give back what he was given. He basks in the glorious feeling of being loved fully and without restraint and he comes to understand why he always felt he wasn’t loved as much as he wanted. No matter how Dean loved him, how all the other people seemed to care for him, it always felt he should be getting more. Because there was more love in store for him, it was there all the time and he could sense it even though he couldn’t grasp it. It was locked in a cage as old as humanity itself, piling up, swelling and aching to finally get to its target. The love for him was created long before he was born and it was a powerful love.

Lucifer knows he might be too eager to show Sam just how much he needs him but he was waiting for that moment for so long. He knows his emotions are running deeper than Sam can even imagine, that they’re more profound and mean a whole lot more than he could ever comprehend, but Lucifer can’t bring himself to care. Sam has chosen him, understood that they were meant for each other and if Lucifer has ever been joyful and impish, it would be when Sam was discovering all his fortune. The sight of Sam’s soul, quivering and coy in the flood of Lucifer’s affection is enough to make Lucifer feel whole, infinite. But he knows the best is yet to come; as soon as Sam learns to express what he feels, Lucifer is certain he would be just as amazed and dazzled as Winchester now is. While Lucifer was preparing for this moment for centuries, Sam is still a baby, a neonate even. Lucifer imagines what time has in store for them and it makes him feel impatient which is a whole new feeling for him. Not an unpleasant one because it’s connected to Sam and nothing related to Sam could ever be bad.

**_And love of the two of us._ **

Sam feels bits of him, of his soul are leaving to unite with Lucifer while parts of the devil settle in himself. At first it startles him; is he going mad? Is his soul breaking under the pressure of the pit? He is frightened and he runs away from Lucifer to keep himself together and maybe get rid of the bits of Lucifer within his very core. He tries to scratch, tear away Lucifer’s soul from within himself but he only manages to injure and maim himself. He hates Lucifer for a while; in his terror he blames the devil for planning this, for doing it on purpose and he hates himself for falling for Lucifer. He curls into a ball, not responding to any kind of stimulus. He sits motionless, without any response for what feels like ages and he tries to convince himself he can heal without Lucifer’s help. It takes him a lot of time to come to the conclusion that no matter what intentions Lucifer has with him, he is no longer in charge of things to do anything against the devil. So he opens up and leaves his shell to find Lucifer patiently waiting by his side.

Lucifer knows exactly what is going on. He wasn’t sure if it would happen with him and Sam but now that it has, he knows what is going to follow. What he does not predict though is Sam’s reaction to their souls merging together. When Lucifer felt Sam’s presence within himself for the first time, it filled him with joy as great and indescribable he had to withdraw from Sam in attempt not to drive his soul mate mad by the strength of his sentiment. When Sam ran away and tried to rip out the bits of Lucifer within himself, it broke Lucifer’s heart. He had experienced heartbreak before – when all Heaven turned their backs on him he thought he could never feel any worse. But that torment and suffering could not even try to be a match for the agony he felt when Sam, Sam who was created for him, rejected him and tried to rip him into shreds. He mourned for so long, he cried and begged his Father for mercy, for forgiveness or at least for explanation. He couldn’t have been that bad to deserve this, could he? He certainly couldn’t care less about Michael who was circling around him in the shadows, waiting to see if Lucifer would finally break. No answer came and Lucifer was almost prepared to die; to disperse into atoms and become stardust or something equally harmless and lifeless – something that could not feel or cause pain. Only then he realised that it would be impossible to kill himself without destroying the bits of Sam he carried within himself.

**_All the good things are gone,_ **

Sam lets Lucifer take him into his arms and comfort him but the light-heartedness, the easiness of Lucifer’s love is gone. He holds Sam, whispers words of comfort to him and sings lullabies but he cannot forget the flare of hate and distrust that burst out from Sam. Sam knows he has lost Lucifer, he has lost his chance to stay sane in the cage because whatever he will get now, it won’t be honest or opened. He was so afraid to open up to somebody in fear they would break him and where did it get him? He became his worst nightmare, the person he hated the most. The one who broke hearts. He still feels Lucifer’s care and affection for him, but it is subdued, muted, vague. He knows what happened – Lucifer is now controlling himself, keeping the emotions within himself and what is the worst, trying to get rid of them.

**_And it’s my own fault_ **

Lucifer cannot fully abandon Sam or ignore him, their bond is too powerful for that, but he can’t trust him anymore. The sight of Sam trying to destroy parts of Lucifer that were so much in love with the human that they couldn’t live without him was too much of a reminder to Lucifer. Reminder that no matter how perfect Sam seemed, how divine and celestial and pure his soul appeared, he is still just a human, flawed, low, faithless. What hurts Lucifer the most though is the fact that he doesn’t know the reason. Why did Sam feel the need to tear away what was Lucifer within him? If Lucifer understood it right, souls bonded and merged only when they were prepared to do so, compatible and ready. If Sam did love him, why did he feel disgusted by the idea of having Lucifer inside of him?

**It’s the building of your castles in the air,**

Sam tries to make it up to Lucifer. He is caring, supportive, passionate or playful when he thinks Lucifer needs him to. He is determined to get his love back and he is going to do anything to convince Lucifer he is genuine in his feelings. And he is prepared to succeed or die trying because now that he has tasted Lucifer’s love, nothing will ever be sufficient to him.

Lucifer sees the effort Sam is putting into his task and for a while he can believe they would be able to make everything right again. He wants to be intimate just as much as Sam does and he wants to think they could restore their relationship. Deep down though, he is aware that all that was good in him, all that tied him to Sam, is shattered and can’t be repaired. They are broken and what can be done about it?

**_Building them with your bare hands;_ **

**_It won’t save you._ **

His rational side is telling Lucifer he had lost the ability to trust someone. He assumes that after what Sam has done, there is no going back. After being alone for so many years, he does not fully understand the concept of forgiveness. He had nobody to forgive or to ask for forgiveness he assumes it is a human error to forget pain and mistakes. He supposed Sam being foolish and scared would be the end of his affection for the human. But if it is that way, why does he keep embracing Sam, why does he miss him when they are apart, why does his soul feel frantic whenever Sam says he loves Lucifer? Lucifer always thought perfection was the only way to go; that once you’ve failed you weren’t worth a second chance. But when Sam tried so hard to prove it was just a mistake, Lucifer finds himself resetting his values.

...

Something reaches into the pit, searching for Sam. The soul hides in Lucifer’s arms as it always did but the thing that is trying to get him is too strong, too powerful. Lucifer shields his human with all his might but he is outnumbered. Whatever is trying to get Sam, it is stronger than Lucifer.

**_It won’t save you_ **

There are only two entities Lucifer can think of who are that strong. And considering the decisiveness the force is grabbing Sam with, it probably is not God.

**_Death is tapping on your shoulder_ **

But how? How can Death come for Sam? How is it possible? There is nothing endangering him in the pit, Lucifer knows that. They should have had eternity, forever together, the happy ending. How could Death be coming for Sam?

**_It’s over._ **

“I will find you,” Lucifer promises to Sam as the frightened soul disappears. Sam nods and before he is dragged away completely, he can feel more parts of Lucifer joining him on his journey into unknown.

...

**_Long nights,_ **

Sam tries to do his best to pretend he is alright. Dean is watching him so carefully it is very difficult for Sam to keep his facade but he is trying. He does not even know what is wrong; he doesn’t remember various bits of his life and the last year or so is in a complete haze. He was told not to attempt to get through the shield, to not try to see what’s there but how can he truly live without seeing what he was doing? Dean says it would kill Sam if he knew but he doesn’t want to hear that. He is strong, he can deal with what happened to him – if he survived it once, he’ll survive the second time. He wishes he could just shrug it off, to accept the explanation Dean gave him, he wants to stop thinking of what happened, but he can’t. He feels hollow, empty as if he is missing something important. He has no clue as to what he might be missing when he should be grateful for not knowing what happened, but there is something he ought to know, he is sure. If all that happened in Lucifer’s cage was bad, why does he feel sad? What do the feelings of emptiness and longing mean? Why does he feel like a half of him is missing?

Lucifer wishes he knew something about Sam. If only he could see his other half, if he could know how Sam is doing - if he doesn’t suffer or if he misses Lucifer. For some reason, Lucifer can’t see anything about Sam even though he can tell Sam is not dead. He can feel the connection between them but that’s all. He fights Michael when he is too frustrated which is almost all the time. With Sam gone, there is nothing holding Lucifer back. Even though he does not wish to have any kind of dispute with his brother whom he still loves, the pressure of being lonely is just too much to bear. He wonders if Sam knows that Lucifer can’t watch over him; for the first time since Sam was born, Lucifer can’t feel Sam’s emotions, see what Sam sees, hear what Sam hears. It is an unpleasant, unwelcome feeling and it makes him edgy and irritable.

**_Are full of desire,_ **

Sam is searching for his memories all on his own, hiding his intentions from everyone. He knows that if Dean found out, he would kill him and then do something stupid just to bring him back to murder him again. Sam was told countless times that he shouldn’t try to find out, but how can he not care? The sorrow and longing he feels is getting more intense and he knows he has to find out what is the thing he yearns for or he will go insane. How could he possibly stop craving something when he doesn’t know what he lacks? The task of removing the barrier that keeps his memories locked away is too great for him and it would take some more powerful creature to accomplish it. Those he can think of are either in love with Dean, untrustworthy demons or unavailable. So he just keeps digging, with the need for presence of something he can’t name eating him alive.

Lucifer has resolved to get out of the cage and find Sam no matter the cost. He is putting even more energy than ever before into scratching the walls and Michael keeps laughing at him, mocking him and spitting insults. He walks around Lucifer in circles, watching or just lying with a grin on his face when he’s too lazy. Lucifer does not cease, not even to the insults until they start to be about Sam. He stops dead in his tracks, turning to Michael with a frown. He has been tensing up and getting very angry throughout the weeks and now, in that instant, everything is about to break loose and smash Michael in the middle of a storm.

**_And love,_ **

Sam wakes up to a completely different world. Or at least it feels completely different because he has never felt like this before. He sits up and looks around himself. He notices he’s in the panic room in Bobby’s house without a single recollection of how he got there. What he does recall now though is what he has been missing all the time since his soul got back into his body. There is warmth in the feeling of being loved so much, it heats him up and he wishes to bask in the feeling forever. And then there is the cold, freezing hole again, the missing part; this time though, Sam knows what is missing. And he also knows he wouldn’t be able to get it. The realisation is hard and accepting it is not on Sam’s to-do list at all. He is not going to let go or give up and he will find out how to free Lucifer from the cage without destroying the world in the process. As far as he can remember, he may actually be able to talk Lucifer into letting go of his apocalyptic intentions. And if not? Well, Lucifer promised to be good to Sam, to keep what he likes about the world. He might actually stop Dean from dying over and over. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.

They fight for hours, days, weeks and none of them can beat the other. Until one day, Lucifer just surrenders. Out of nowhere, he stops dead in his track, letting Michael to beat him.

“He’s here,” Lucifer whispers lovingly, tenderly and he searches for Sam, “he found me.” Michael does not see that as a ceasefire and the fight goes on with Lucifer losing. Nothing matters but Sam who has finally found a way back to Lucifer. Or at least it seems that way until Sam’s soul is unable to endure the recollections of the life in the cage. When Lucifer first sees himself through Sam’s eyes, he screams in agony for several hours. He wishes to rush over to Sam more than ever before; to take his soul mate into his arms, to hold him close and to tell him that this thing that does not respect Sam’s choices is not him. When Sam almost kills himself, Lucifer is exhausted and wrecked.

**_Of the three of us._ **

Sam accepts and acknowledges the fact that this is not really Lucifer. But as days pass by without him getting anywhere near a solution to his problem of how to get his beloved from the cage, he gets tired of resisting. He just wants to feel loved again; it may not be Lucifer but what in life is perfect? And if he’s going to burn, he might as well do it for love.

 

**Author's Note:**

> By the way, if you are interested in what song I meant, it's in Czech so you probably wouldn't google it but you never know. It's called 'Malování' which means painting because in Czech you don't build castles in the air, you paint them (idk why.) 
> 
> Link to the song here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqGKk0XpetU  
> (Ignore the video. it's weird, lol.)


End file.
